Long time no see, you guys 🙂 Sorry for disappearing for such a long time. I know with how often I write about my struggles with mental illness and suicidal thoughts that any sort of extended absence could be interpreted in a tragic way, but I assure you that I am still around, still writing, and still attempting to be optimistic no matter the situation. It’s not always easy, and my knee-jerk instinct is to feel pessimistic about most things, but it’s always a work in progress.
One of the reasons I haven’t been able to update this blog is because so much time has passed, and so many things have happened that the idea on filling you all in on everything that’s been going on is exhausting. And it seems odd to just continue writing daily logs as if no time has gone by, where I’m talking about things that won’t make any real sense without at least some prior context.
In the end, I came up with this solution: I’ll give you guys a bullet point list of some of the major events that have taken place since my last update (which was back in July, yikes!) and that should hopefully be enough context so that you’re all caught up, and that so any future daily logs that mention any of the events below will make sense. I will also be sorting these bullet-point highlights into different categories, so if you’re only interested in reading about how things have been with my family or with my mental health, you can skim through and find your desired category!
Just one quick note: Some of the points mentioned below border on the dramatic, and if you know me at all than hopefully you’ll know that I am the farthest thing from an attention seeker. I am including these types of events for the purposes of not leaving anything out, and I always see my writing on this blog as a type of personal therapy, so leaving out important moments would defeat the purpose.
Without further ado, and in no particular order, here are the major highlights from my life in the latter half of 2018.
- My YouTube channel has become more or less stagnant. However, despite not having posted any new content to the channel since March, I am still planning to returning to making videos at some point in the future. I’m hoping if I stop putting so much pressure on myself to turn my channel into a career and I re-focus on making sims 4 videos for the fun of it, things will go a lot more smoothly.
- I’ve gone back to posting on my Simblr (Sims-themed Tumblr) with two story legacy series – I’m currently working through the 3rd generation of the Not So Berry challenge and the 1st generation of the Pastel Rainbowcy Challenge. It’s been a great way to flex my fiction writing muscles, n2m taking the photos in-game and editing them has been really fun 🙂 However, with Tumblr updating its policies, I may not be able to share my stories on Tumblr any longer. I’ve backed up all of my Tumblr posts to a WordPress blog just in case my blog gets deleted, but I haven’t decided as of yet if I will continue both of these stories on WordPress or just wait until Tumblr realises their new policies are stupid and they change everything back to the way it was.
- I’ve neglected my original blog – The Written Word(s) – quite a bit this year as well, but I’m trying to remedy that. Right now my biggest obstacle is that I can’t think of any decent ideas for blog posts. I did have the idea of writing something around the lines of ‘Staying Optimistic When Everything’s Going Wrong’ but I haven’t really figured out exactly what I want to put in that post quite yet. If I ever do get around to writing and finishing that post, I might also post it here since it would also be relevant here.
- Things between Kurt and I are better than ever ❤ This past October we celebrated our 3 year anniversary, and it still astounds me that we’ve been together for this long. Next week, it will be the 4th year in a row I’ve celebrated Christmas with his family on Christmas Eve, which is pretty amazing! I do feel that I’ve held our relationship from progressing too much because I’ve been unemployed for over a year, and we can’t afford any sort of decent apartment solely with Kurt’s income. Despite this, things between us are still great, and we still hang out a couple times a week. In fact, Kurt joined my guild in World of Warcraft after the newest expansion released, so we even get to hang out in game and via voice chat on Tuesdays and Thursdays 🙂
- My mom and I are still living in my grandmother’s house while we struggle to find an apartment. Right now, the apartment vacancy rate in our region is 2%, which is an all-time low. Despite this, my aunt Tara (who is my grandma’s Power of Attorney) is impatient to get my grandma’s house up on the market, and has even gone as far as to get a lawyer and to send my mother and I a (not entirely legal) eviction notice. We have until February 1st to find a new place to live.
- We recently went to see an apartment located in Fenwick, which isn’t too far from Welland. Fenwick is a super small town which is made up of basically one single road, but it has a nice homey feel to it. The location is ideal since we would only be a short drive away from my brother and sister-in-law, and of course my two adorable nephews, and it’s also a short drive between myself and Kurt. We’ll hopefully hear about the apartment this week, and while we’ve done numerous apartment visits and have been burned before after we’ve gotten our hopes up, we both actually have a very good feeling about this place… Cross your fingers for us 😀
- Worst-case scenario, if my mom and I can’t find an apartment before February 1st, we have a contingency plan: My mom will be able to stay with her best friend who lives in Port Dover, and I will be able to move to Aurora (with my puppy, thank goodness) to stay at my aunt Terri’s house until either my mom finds an apartment for the two of us or until I get my financial situation all squared away and Kurt and I can start looking for our own apartment.
- Around the end of the summer, my grandmother had a number of incidents where she didn’t get any sleep for multiple nights in a row, which would in turn made the conditions of her dementia significantly worse. These incidents were bad enough that we had to take her to the hospital, if only to sedate her so that she could get some sleep. Because of this she was entered into a special program where she was moved to the top of the wait list for a spot in a local assisted living facility. It was about 30 days from her last hospital visit that she was given a spot at a nursing home right here in Welland. It’s a brand new building, and it’s very nice and clean and she has her own private room. She does a lot more walking there to get to the dining hall for each meal then she ever did here at the house. Her physical health has improved greatly, and she’s getting the best care possible.
- One of the reasons that my mother, as well as myself, are anxious to find an apartment and get ourselves moved out of my grandma’s house ASAP is so that we can sever all ties with my aunt Tara, and possibly my aunt Tami, because of how they’ve been treating us during this difficult time. My aunt Tara has zero compassion for how my mom has been struggling, and she seems not to care about the many sacrifices my mom had to make in order for us to move in and take care of my grandma in the first place…
- Kurt’s mother Judy has to be one of the most generous and friendly people I have ever met in my entire life. She knows better than anyone the struggles that my family and I have been faced with this year, and she is always quick to tell me that she’s available at any time, if I need to talk or if I ever need anything else. I of course mention her in this category because after 3 years of dating Kurt and knowing his family, they all feel like they’re a part of my family ❤ And to be honest, whenever I’ve brought up Judy in conversation with anyone outside my immediate family, I usually refer to her as my mother-in-law XP Kurt and I of course aren’t married yet, but A) It’s both quicker and sounds better than calling her my boyfriend’s mom, and B) She really does feel like a second mother to me, so who cares if she isn’t officially my mother-in-law yet? 🙂
- I had to stop seeing my counsellor this year. The primary reason was because I was waiting to get an appointment with an adult ADHD specialist, but also I know that we couldn’t possibly afford for my to keep those monthly appointments. My mom paid for my counsellor, and don’t have any kind of health coverage, so even with the special rate they gave us since we were paying out-of-pocket it still cost $150 per appointment. It just wasn’t feasible long-term.
- I did eventually get in to see said adult ADHD specialist, and he’s actually really great. The doctor’s a nice guy, and for whatever reason I enjoy giving him smart-ass replies to some of his questions just to make him laugh. He put me on this new medication called Vyvanse, which is designed to improve my focus for prolonged periods of time. He also knows that I don’t have any coverage for my medications, and every time I go in for a new prescription he gives me a sample card so that I can get the pills for free ❤ Which is awesome because otherwise each script would cost me over $100.
- This medication has done wonders for me! I’ve had days where I’ve been working on some sort of project for 7-9 hours straight without needing any kind of a break. And I haven’t had to deal with any side-effects from the medication, so yay!
- During my last appointment with this doctor, we got to talking about my depression and anxiety as well, and he was able to refer me to a social worker that works in the same office for talk therapy. The best thing is that it won’t cost me a dime, it’s completely free! Did I mention that this doctor is pretty awesome? 😀
My Daily Life:
- I’ve spent most days at home playing video games. A lot of video games XD I’ve been playing a lot more World of Warcraft since the latest expansion came out in August, and of course I’m always playing The Sims 4 whenever I get the chance. Some other games I’ve been enjoying this year are: 60 Parsecs, Frostpunk, Beholder 2, Animal Crossing: New Leaf, Graveyard Keeper, This War of Mine, Hearthstone, and so on.
- I had a really good idea for a book this year. I was hoping to fully outline it and then work on the actual writing during NaNoWriMo, but a lot was going on late this fall (mostly stuff involving my grandma) and it just wasn’t a good time to jump into this kind of project.
- Basic things like making myself food and taking regular showers are still a struggle for me each day, and there are even days where I don’t have the motivation to get out of bed. I have to make a conscious effort to take my medications every single day, and when I forget for more than 2 days in a row I usually end up feeling a lot more emotional until the drugs are back in my system. But these are things I’m always trying to work on.
That seems to be the big highlights from this year – now you know why I’ve been hesitant to write about updates in my life XD Things have been very stressful and crazy over the last few months, but I am doing my best to stay optimistic whenever I can. It does feel like things might be finally looking up for my mother and I, and hopefully this awful period in our lives of getting consistently crapped on is almost over.