Note To My Future Self – Adversity Amid Anxiety

Dear Future Kacie,

I know what you’re thinking – “Kacie, you are literallyΒ years behind with writing actual letters, and you decided to spend time writing a letter to YOU?!” – and you have a fair point. However, the content of this particular letter might actually relate to getting some overdue things done, such as writing & sending off letters to my pen pals. Whether or not it actually works, I dunno, you tell me πŸ˜‰

As you obviously know, the majority of days in your life since you became unemployed, iy has been incredibly difficult to feel motivated enough to get anything productive done, from cleaning to taking the dog for walks to working out, etc. Even finding the energy to feed yourself has been incredibly difficult.

What I’m writing about isn’t exactly going to solve any of these problems – currently I’m waiting for my appointment with the adult ADHD specialist to hopefully improve my overall motivation – but it might help you feel hopeful when you find yourself feeling completely useless because you can’t summon enough energy to pry yourself off the couch or out of the recliner.

Couldn’t resist adding a dreamy effect to this picture πŸ˜›

Flashback time: Remember when you were contacted by Ubisoft to do some playtesting in Toronto? You wereΒ so excited you had to keep yourself from fangirling out-loud after you hung up so that you wouldn’t wake up grandma! It wasn’t even something you’d be paid to do, but it was merely the opportunity that had you excited beyond belief.

Leading up to your playtesting date, of course you were excited – you even made arrangements to meet up with Blair for lunch, and as a back-up plan you planned out a self-guided bakery tour of St. Clair Street – but of course you were also nervous. Yes, there were your typical pre-travel nerves, which happen whether you’re travelling alone or with company, but there was one primary thought that caused the most anxiety; you were afraid that when the time came to get up super early and head to the bus station, thatΒ you would be too anxious or have a panic attack and you wouldn’t be able to go at all, and that you would retreat to the semi-safety of your grandmother’s rec room and would never feel confident enough to plan a solo trip ever again.

But, let me ask you… Did that happen?

It did not! While you didn’t get aΒ ton of sleep the night before (and Rocket is mostly to blame for that), you were still able to get up in the morning without forgetting anything, wait in line at the terminal and ride the bus all the way to Toronto! Once you had the cab situation taken care of, there was very little to be afraid of or feel anxious about.

Maybe you’re not entirely sure why I’m bring up this particular memory. Let me answer that question with another brief flashback, dating back to the day this letter was written: It’s a typical Monday, you’ve returned home after spending the weekend at Kurt’s, and after relaxing on the couch for a bit and watching YouTube videos, you suddenly get this surge of positivity seemingly from nowhere. It motivates you enough to bring your laptop to your computer desk and to make preparations to update your resume and to apply for a few promising job positions you came across on FlexJobs,com.

But like clockwork, the anxiety enters your mind – Is there any point to this? Isn’t my anxiety going to kick in and get in the way of me ever working again, even if I’m working from home?

At this point, you suddenly remembered that trip to Toronto – where you felt so certain leading up to the trip that your anxiety would get the better of you and you wouldn’t be able to make your playtesting dreams a reality. That memory ends up being enough for you to do exactly what you had set out to do: Installing Microsoft Word onto your laptop, updating your resume, and proceeding to apply online for a number of remote writing positions.

You see the moral of this letter yet? Tldr;Β there’s always hope. There is always a reason to be positive and feel like, “Yes, I actuallyΒ can do this!” And I wanted to write you this letter today to remind you of that easily forgettable fact.

I really hope this was helpful for you – Keep on smilin’, and have an awesome day πŸ˜€

Lots of love,

You πŸ™‚

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